Hello friends and family, our good pals over at Streetcarnage just posted a lovely little excerpt about a new Baconlube on the market!
Are you tired that your partner’s ass tastes like bean sprouts and his crotch smells like tofu? Would you prefer that veganism stay in the kitchen and out of the bedroom? Would you like to add something a little more red-blooded, American, and artery-clogging to your sex play?
Then pick yerself up a fat greasy tube of Baconlube, a pork-scented personal lubricant that will make your crotch and poop chute smell like a sizzlin’ pan full of fried hog fat on a cold winter’s morning.
Baconlube is especially helpful if your partner has “morning crotch” but can’t control their urges while the coffee’s still brewing. Slather some Baconlube on that mess, and you almost—almost—won’t be able to tell the difference between your lover’s genitals and a crackling-hot plate of delicious salted pork strips.
We eagerly await their Wafflelube and Pancakelube flavors.
I kind of need someone else to go process this website Alpha Male Lifestyle for me. I really wanted to give a thorough rundown of all the ways in which it’s killing me from the inside, and I keep being tempted to go back into the shit swamp with a helmet on so I can research it more thoroughly, but then I get distracted by another embarrassment, like “30 Beta Male Traits You Must Avoid,” and I have to close the browser window like it’s going to spill on me. I feel like I just accidentally came in my own mouth in front of my grandmother. I had to construct one of those toilet paper roll viewing glass things you make to look at an eclipse just to scroll down the sidebar.
A few years ago, I was invited to intern at a well-known men’s magazine. It didn’t work out so great. While I figured I could dumb down my writing and liberally pepper articles with references to “roots,” “V8s” and “tinnies” (it was an Australian magazine), I quickly realized that writing like a drunk and angry Steve Irvin is harder than it seems.
Unlike Snoop, I do love them hos. I admire their craftiness and ability to continually work despite serious occupational hazards, like throat herpes, which can leave its victims with a permanent T-Pain auto-tune voice. Unfortunately, most people hold negative stereotypes of prostitutes as drug-addicted heathens who will suck one’s balls off for the price of a Slurpee. Truth is a lot of hookers are sober and generally good, though money-hungry, people. I know, I lived with a prostitute.
At the turn of the century, I shared a tiny office with the world’s most uncomfortable Jew. We worked together as software engineers, building trading systems at a gigantic investment bank that is now extinct. So it goes.
Just stumbled across the YouTube channel of Stratos Dance Club, one of San Diego’s hottest clubs in the 1980s. They’ve uploaded a bunch of great videos from back in the days when New Romantics, punks and breakdancers bopped together.
Back in high school, my favorite part about stealthily smoking weed in my room wasn’t playing video games or listening to records. It wasn’t even being able to forget how much I hated high school. It was going down stairs to see my parents in the kitchen and talking my fucking head off about some bullshit thing I can’t even remember since I started this sentence like, three days ago.
Back in the 80s, the third biggest soda after Pepsi and Coke was New York Seltzer. It was made in California by a father and son team who were originally from New York and were considered “The barons of the beverage brouhaha.” Nobody knows what happened to it but a recently unearthed tape of them on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous implies it was cocaine (what’s with punching his girlfriend in the face when he gets to the gym?)
UPDATE: Found him. Turns out he’s focussed on his cats and puts them in the movies. He even won an award for being Russel Crowe’s lion fighting double in The Gladiator. Maybe cocaine is good for you after all.
If the assignment was “Write a thing where the guy who didn’t do it is fucked and the guy who did do it is rich,” you’d want to incorporate a nice big pair of tits, right? And a fight face. And high heels.